A couple of summers ago, my adult son, Mike, and I traveled to Washington D.C. to attend the National Speakers Association Convention. What an experience! It was our first travel experience with just the two of us. Until then, most trips included the entire family. It was incredible fun to spend time with him as an adult. Traveling with Mike was awesome; so was watching Jeff.

Jeff Civillico, from Las Vegas, Nevada was the final act. His Comedy in Action show incorporates juggling, comedy, and stunts. In the evening program lineup, Jeff was definitely unique. Throughout the convention, there was a variety of excellent speakers who entertained, inspired, and educated us as we laughed, cried and learned. I don’t remember the topics of the other presentations; I just remember they were great.

I do remember Jeff. Jeff juggles knives: BIG DANGEROUS KNIVES. There’s more. Jeff juggles BIG, DANGEROUS KNIVES while he’s telling a story from the seat of a unicycle! That’s right. Picture it.  He’s throwing knives in circular and diagonal patterns in the air, while telling stories from the seat of a unicycle; as if it’s perfectly natural.

Jeff made it look easy, but I wonder how many cuts, stitches, and deep wounds he endured. How many times did he have to set the knives down until the wounds healed? Was he ever afraid to start again?

On a daily basis, I see people “juggling really big dangerous knives” in relationships. There are cuts. Stitches are required. There are many deep painful wounds. These knives are different from Jeff’s. These knives are the words, thoughts, attitudes and assumptions that are communicated in relationships and that settle in our minds and hearts. The wounds these knives cause take a lot longer to heal than physical wounds.

How to Improve Relationships

Relationships are juggling acts. Our needs and wants are juggled with those of other people’s.  Healthy juggling in relationships requires attention, reflection, care, concern, balance, humor, forgiveness, compassion, and empathy. It takes these same qualities in much larger doses to heal wounded relationships.

Here’s the thing. Knives can be wound and kill. It takes skill and practice to juggle knives on an eight-foot unicycle while on a stage, telling a story. We should expect no less from ourselves in our crazy lives. Words, thoughts, attitudes, and assumptions can wound and kill emotionally. It takes skill and practice to communicate effectively. We are all jugglers in our relationships. When the game gets dangerous, set down the knives, talk it through with compassion, empathy and understanding.

Tips for Safe Juggling in Relationships

1) Think before you speak.

  • Know what you really want to say.
  • Think about the other person’s perspective.
  • Choose a good time and place.

2) Own the situation.

  • “When ___ happens, I feel___.”
  • “I’m worried about ____.”
  • “Is there a way that we can change___?”

3) Leave the past out.

  • Skip “Always” and “Never.” These words make the listener stop listening and look for the exceptions.

4) Build on strengths.

  • Change requires a strong foundation. State what the other person does well and your belief in him or her.

5) It’s not about being right.

  • Be able to apologize and “stitch up” any wounds that occur.
  • Be willing to forgive, start new and move on. And leave it in the past.

Some situations are harder to work through and heal from. It is then when an experienced counselor can help with communication, perspective and forgiveness. If you find yourself or someone needing some assistance, contact us at Safe Harbor Counseling. We would be honored to help you.

About Dr. Beth Plachetka, LCSW & Safe Harbor Counsel

Life is filled with smooth and troubled waters. Sometimes, we need the opportunity to evaluate our progress and re-chart our course. At Safe Harbor Counseling, we provide a convenient, quiet, and confidential place for both adolescents and adults.

With over 40 years of professional experience addressing and solving psychological, social and interpersonal issues, the therapists at Safe Harbor Counseling serve individuals, couple and groups in the areas of trauma, PTSD, anxiety, workplace bullying, parenting, domestic violence, assistance with special education processes, and Asperger’s.

Whether you are looking for individual, couple or group therapy, or you are an organization seeking expert speakers, Safe Harbor Counseling is ready to help you.