N- never
I- intelligent
C- continuously
E- exploited
Yes, we are talking about “being nice” … again. This is the third article on the topic; not to belabor the point, but to allow serious reflection on what it means, how to identify it and how to address it.
In January, “Don’t Be Nice at Work!” pointed out different adjectives to describe ourselves and different approaches during difficult situations. “Nice” indicates a lack of intelligent thought and reflection about interactions, situations and expectations.1
In February, “What Are Your Co-Workers Thinking, Saying and Doing?” compared being “nice” to being “exploited.” Lack of intelligent reflection, aka being “nice,” potentially leads to exploitation: outcomes and results that are unacceptable with workplace goals, your job description, and/or your ethics and values or those of the workplace.2
Do you notice the word that indicates that there’s a challenge in the relationship between “nice” and “exploitation?” The word “potentially” indicates that the same behaviors may or may not be a type of exploitation. Behaviors, attitudes, interactions, support, encouragement, assistance that may be the most appropriate response in some circumstances and may also be totally inappropriate in another. The key is being able to tell the difference.
On one hand, it’s appropriate to
- pick up extra work on a temporary basis when a co-worker is out for a short period of time (i.e. family or medical leave)
- ask questions about policies, procedures and processes for clarification purpose, especially during periods of change.
- consult with peers about job expectations or how to approach a project or situation
- develop alternate perspectives and make effective decisions before acting
On the other hand, it’s inappropriate to
- pick up extra work beyond, without a cause, or beyond your skill level, knowledge base or role
- ask questions about policies, procedures and processes with the goal of trapping or humiliating someone
- consult with peers about job expectations or how to approach a project or situation to suggest negative motivations about others or the system
The behaviors are the same, while the underlying motivation is different. How can we think intelligently so our behaviors, attitudes, interactions, support, encouragement, and assistance fall in the appropriate category, rather than the inappropriate category?
Am I Being Nice or Exploited?
During any situation that may be in question:
- Pay attention to how you feel.
- Be aware of yourself.
- Take the experience out of your head and see where it shows up in your body. Trust your gut.
It’s easy to think about an experience or situation and offer reasons about why it was acceptable.
- We can offer well-reasoned excuses about how it was acceptable to make decisions without consulting.
- We can deny ourselves and others that we weren’t trying to portray someone negatively.
Your body doesn’t lie. It can’t. Whatever you experience is stored in your body and interpreted by your brain.
Ideally, most interactions are positive or at least neutral. We experience the satisfaction of accomplishment or the relief of a completed task. We feel content, relaxed, engaged. Other interactions arouse unsettling emotions in our stomachs, neck, back and chest. Mental and physical symptoms become evident, such as
- nervousness or anxiety
- hopelessness or depression
- despair
- being overwhelmed
- helplessness
- anger
- irritability
- isolation and loneliness
- negative self-talk
- personality changes
- headaches
- stomach issues
- skin issues
- disturbed sleep
- increased appetite
- decreased appetite
- substance use
- distraction
When any of these feelings arise, pay attention. Think clearly and intelligently about what is going on. These feelings are the warning signals that something is happening that needs to be addressed. Without the necessary adjustments, mental and physical illnesses can result.
We must be Aware, Assess, Act, and Adjust.
- Be aware: know that problems can and will arise.
- The second step is assessment: appropriate or inappropriate? Know that there will always be people with ulterior motives.
- Don’t be “nice” and ignore it.
- Trust your gut.
Be sure to watch for April’s Article: ”How to respond.”
1 https://english.stackexchange.com/questions/31368/what-are-the-origins-of-the-word-nice
2 https://www.ldoceonline.com/dictionary/exploit
ABOUT DR. BETH PLACHETKA
THERAPIST FOR ADULTS AND ADOLESCENTS
As a licensed clinical social worker, therapist, speaker, adjunct professor in the School of Social Work at Aurora University and president of Safe Harbor Counseling in Sugar Grove, Illinois, Beth Plachetka, EdD, LCSW, MSW, MAEL brings 40 years of experience helping individuals, families and groups address and resolve psychological, social and interpersonal issues.
Dr. Beth’s expertise in assessing and strengthening relationships is applied in private practice counseling, school social work, teaching, and speaking engagements. As a therapist, Dr. Beth works closely with her clients to help them evaluate their progress and re-chart their course, so they can learn strategies, build confidence and identify support systems to gain the strength and confidence required for lasting change. Contact Dr. Beth for counseling.
SPEAKER FOR ORGANIZATIONS
For organizations to succeed and thrive, strong workplace relationships must be respectful, collaborative and in line with the mission and goals. If professional relationships are poor, it leaves a negative impact on the organization and customers suffer.
Beth’s knowledge of the importance of relationships at work is supported by her dissertation that focuses on adult bullying in the school setting and by earning her doctorate in curriculum and instruction. Her deep practical knowledge to identify and realign workplace relationships in educational systems and faith institutions provides her with the expertise required to improve team productivity and professional relationships.
Presenting on a variety of topics related to bullying and mental health, Beth uses humor as well as effective and practical strategies to improve workplace culture, counteract the devastation of bullying and mitigate the symptoms that result from workplace bullying. Beth’s presentations reflect her years of experience as a teacher with clearly stated objectives, outcomes, activities and interactions that both inspire and educate. Contact Dr. Beth to speak at your next event.
With licenses and certificates in elementary education, school social work, clinical social work and educational leadership, her family fondly (at least she hopes it’s fondly) refers to her as “certifiable.”